Looking for opinions on 5 page short

[deanl]

Hey there.

I had an idea for a short film this morning and thought I would get it bashed out.

I just finished the first draft and as always Im pimpin for any feedback, opinions or advice I can get.

So if you have a few minutes please take a look and tell me what you think.

EXT. WOODLAND - DAY

A natural beauty spot. Just the whistling of the wind and
the gentle swaying of the trees break up this otherwise
tranquil environment.

In the distance a faint electronic beeping noise shatters
the silence. It get's louder... Closer. A SMALL GRAY DISC
enters the frame. It hovers and moves few inches above the
ground. After a few beats we pull back to reveal the grey
disc is actually the base of a METAL DETECTOR. We pull out
further to reveal DAVID (20'S). An average kinda guy, out
looking for whatever treasure he can find.

He paces around the woods skimming the ground with the
metal detector. Every time it beeps, he bends down and digs
a little with a small spade. He doesn't find much. A
crushed drinks can, the odd coin, a tatty piece of tin
foil. Basically just a whole lot of nothing.

Frustrated, he drops the metal detector to the ground,
takes an apple from his pocket, and starts to eat.

DAVID
I ain't gonna' find Jack Shit in
this place.

He kicks up a few leaves up with his feet and takes in his
surroundings.

Suddenly the metal detector starts to beep quietly.
Surprised David leans down and picks it up. He checks the
"On/Off" switch... It's Off.

DAVID
What the hell?

He switches the switch back to ON and it SCREECHES into
life. Beeping louder that it ever did before.

DAVID
(wincing)
Shit.

He moves the Metal Detector away from the ground and the
beeping dies down. He moves it back and it get's even
louder. He's found something.

He scans the ground for a few seconds. Then he see's it.
Something shiny gold. It's partially buried.

He leans down and wipes away the rotting leaves and dirt to
reveal a GOLD POCKET WATCH. He smiles and grabs the watch.
It's connected to a gold chain. He pulls on the chain but
it doesn't budge. He pulls harder... It gives a little. He
pulls harder again and it starts to come out of the ground.
But it seems to be snagged on something.
One more yank and it reveals it's self. The end of the
chain is clasped within the grip of a DEAD MANS HAND.
Purple and rotting.

David drops the watch, screams and jumps back.

He takes a breath and takes a look around. He is still
completely alone. He takes a step close and takes another
looks at the Gold Watch... He takes another look around. He
is definitely alone.

In a flash he is on his knees and trying to pry the gold
chain from the dead mans grip. As he pulls at the rigid
fingers they CRACK and BREAK. A few moments later and he
has it free.

He buffs up the gold watch on his jacket and then holds it
up to the light. He smiles, then notices the dead hand
protruding out of the ground at his feet.

He steps on it, pushing it back into the dirt. He kicks a
few leaves over it hiding any trace he was there.

Pleased with his find he picks up the metal detector, flips
it onto his shoulder and starts to walk away.

Then he hears something. A voice calls his name. He turns
and nothing is there. He carries on walking. Then another
voice calls. The voice is strange. Male or female, young or
old. It's hard to tell. It could be any or all of them.
Whatever it is it isn't human. Then he hears it again. Then
another voice. And another and another. He spins around. He
is still completely alone. Yet the voices completely
surround him. The voices start to chant his name quietly.
He freaks out and starts to run. Through the corner of his
eyes and on the edge of frame he sees something. A dark
mass brush behind a nearby tree. He stops and shouts.

DAVID
Who's there.

All goes quiet and once again he is completely alone. And
now he is in complete silence. Even the whistling of the
wind seems to have stopped. He breaths hard and looks
around then...

BOOM!!!

A tree branch seemingly comes from nowhere and his him
across the side of the face. Blood spurts from his mouth.

DAVID
Jesus Christ.

The voices start again and the dark masses appear once
more. Moving behind trees and visible for a second at a
time.

Chris starts to run. The gold watch still clutched tightly
in his hand. As he runs trees seeming come from nowhere to
get in his way. Branches fall and swing hitting him all
over his body. He trips over a branch stumbles for a second
but keeps his balance. He makes it a little further when he
reaches the edge of a slight hill. He takes a look behind
him when a large tree branch swings and hits him square in
the face knocking him out cold. He falls backwards down the
hill. Bones break as he awkwardly makes his way down. When
he reaches the bottom he falls into a very slight crevice
where the ground has seemingly opened up. He falls into the
shallow grave and final stops dead. Blood pours from wounds
on his face and his leg is bent awkwardly in the wrong
directly. It's clearly broken.

A slow rumbling starts. Dirt falls in around him. Burying
him slowly at first but then more quickly. Moments later he
is gone. On ground level a gust of wind blows leaves across
the ground hiding any evidence of him being there.

FADE OUT.

OVER BLACK

We hear the quiet sounds of the Forrest. The whistling of
the wind and the gentle swaying of the trees. Then
something new. Something walking quickly and erratically.
It seems to get closer.

FADE IN:

EXT. WOODLAND - CONTINUOUS

It's the base of the small hill. A Dog enters frame. Tale
wagging, it seems to have found something.

At the crest of the hill a Man appears. He's in his 30's
and carries a dog lead in his left hand.

MAN
Here boy. Come on.

The dog doesn't move. It digs at the ground.

MAN
Come on. What you got there?

The Man stumbles comically down the hill until he reaches
the bottom.

MAN
Buster. Come on. Get here.

He walks over to the dog, leans down and attaches the lead
to the dogs collar.

Then he spots something. Something shiny and gold. The
Watch.

MAN
What the hell?

He reaches down and picks up the watch. He doesn't see the
dirty and bloody hand that attracted the dog in the first
place.

The Man stands up strait and looks at the watch. He smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.

We hear the sound of the Man and his dog walking away. Then
the voice starts. Again chanting. We hear the man scream
and the dog bark.

The sound fades out as the end titles appear.

Despin out.

[eidde]

Great little script, my kind of story, if a little predictable. Good script to practice production on.
Only comment would be that at the end instead of:

He reaches down and picks up the watch. He doesn't see the dirty and bloody hand that attracted the dog in the first place.

The Man stands up strait and looks at the watch. He smiles.

FADE TO BLACK.

I would do:

He reaches down and sees the watch. he stands up and looks sround to see if anyonw is looking.
there is no one there.

He bends down to take the watch.

FADE TO BLACK.


but whatever, good luck.

[MatJimMood]

It reminds me of the video for There, There by Radiohead.

[emjen]

What I'd like is this:

A shot where you can see tens of dead bodies holding eachothers hand, and david being the latest one to join them in the dirt.

It's probably undoable, but it does have the ending you made in one shot.

As for writing tips: stop writing 'suddenly' because everything is 'sudden' in a script. If you write correctly the reader can spot a 'suddenly' without that word, and thats what a writer should do.

And a bit more space would help.

[Brainmuncher]

Apart from the fact that the premise has been used more times than 'boy meets girl', the twist was a good take on the old horror story.

I disagree with Emjen on the way the story ends- actually seeing another charachter falling into the same trap of fate provokes far more emotions.

[Curtin-Parloe]

I like it, I love the premise; ah, the amount of times I've used it myself [img]cool.gif[/img]
I agree with eidde, there's no need to show too much of the next cycle, the audience will work it out...


Then he spots something. Something shiny and gold. The Watch.

MAN
What the hell?

He reaches down and picks up the watch. It sparkles in his hand.

FADE TO BLACK


A couple of things from a purely scriptual (not sure if that was a word, but it is now!) point of view:

I'm guessing it's an ECU of the detector disc when it first appears (so the viewer thinks it's a UFO - that's what I'd do [img]wink.gif[/img] ), but if that's the intention it didnt come across very well.

You change his name in the action part way through from Dave to Chris.

If the voices have actual dialogue, even if it's just his name, it'd flow better (for me anyway) if it was scripted as such. If it's a non-articulate noise, with his name kind of distinguishable, then you'd get away without, but say so.


Hope this is useful. Are you gonna make it?

[deanl]

Hey there.

"but if that's the intention it didnt come across very well."

Well enough for you to get it.

Thanks for reading guys.

Despin out.